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Hi Ray and gang,

My boyfriend and I have started an online petition in support of Ray being a judge on You're a Star!

Hopefully we will get enough signatures in the next week or so.. then we will forward it to RTE!

Karey and Jonathan


CLICK HERE!

Ray

It was the 2nd of August, and despite coming off the back of the wettest July in ages, Sandra was going through her own personal dry spell - professionally, romantically and domestically. She needed a change, and that's when she decided to...

take up her sister's offer of a week in a spa in the west. The children would love a week with their grandparents. And her husband would hardly notice she had left. She would have to work on her boss though...

but then again, that might not be so difficult - last year's Christmas party encounter came fleetingly to Sandra's mind, the brief rememberance lasting longer than the dalliance itself. Of course, there had been awkward moments since then, but overall she felt they shared a certain understanding...

...Sometimes when she looked at the children a wave of guilt washed through her and she wished she hadn’t shared those last few glasses of wine with him Apart from guilt, often she got a flush of worry when she looked at her youngest son who, in certain moods, looked remarkably like her boss...

… Her son was a particularly beautiful child. He had straight jet black hair and sallow, almost coffee-coloured skin. Her boss was half Filipino; his mother, originally from Manilla had met his father in London in the ‘swinging 60’s’. Her husband on the other hand came from a long line of big-boned redheads from north Mayo; exotic and good-looking in their own unique way, but very different to her son’s striking good looks. This had always attracted compliments as opposed to any curiosity; “isn’t he blessed with good looks”…”he’ll be a heartbreaker that one”…people would often comment. Sandra’s mind drifted back to thoughts of a relaxing break on the west coast…

A knock on the door made her come to her sense. Glenda, her younger sisterglided in leaving a waft of Chanel Chance following he. Sandra eyed her up enviously: Glenda was well groomed and radiant from her shiny, lustrous hair to her expertly pedicured toes. Her sister would never be seen in public looking anything but her best and ate only cold meat, salad, and smoothies. Sandra pulled her jumper over her hips and vowed that once she’d finished the chocolate éclair that she had in the fridge, she would be on a strict diet until Christmas.

The hardship of watching what she ate made the thought of her break at the health spa all the more sweet. She went upstairs and tossed some necessities into a suitcase: a comfortable tracksuit and a little black dress – why not? You never know who you might meet. But her daydreaming was cut short by the ringing of her mobile: a number flashed up that she hadn’t seen in a long time.

“Hello?” she answered the phone tentatively.
“Hi, is this Sandra?” a deep voice asked. Sandra went cold and clutched the phone even tighter. She allowed her mind drift back to what felt like another lifetime, when, single and completely broke, she’d signed up in desperation to an escort agency.
“H-hi” Sandra stuttered.
“Sandra, it’s Joe here, from Joe’s escort agency. Sorry to have to call you out of the blue like this but we’ve gotten a call from one of your old regulars, Mr Rafferty. He’s moved back to Ireland from the Caymens and has requested your… services again.”
Sandra was just about to protest that she was a happily married mother of three when the image of the rugged, silver-haired Mr Rafferty floated into her consciousness.
“Sorry”, she said “I’m going to Galway for the weekend.”
“No problem” replied Joe, “Mr Rafferty would be more than happy to meet you there.”
Sandra hesitated, then quickly agreed before she could change her mind.

As Sandra replaced the receiver of the phone, a rush of excitement swept through her. It was a feeling that was strange, exciting, yet oddly familiar. She knew that she should have said no, that it was wrong – she knew that she shouldn’t have been excited but this was what she had waited for: a chance at happiness, if only for a brief period (normally two-and-a-half minutes with this cat). She told herself over and over reassuringly “It’s just a bit of fun for the weekend, nothing too serious”, although deep down she knew that a long-suppressed demon had been stirred…

She was trembling with excitement: the thought of being held in Mr Rafferty’s strong, broad arms was making her tingle inside. As she boarded the 3.10pm train from Heuston to Galway her mind was completely absorbed with notions of the inevitable tangle she was about to find herself in. She took her seat in the buffet carriage and decided to get herself a café latte with skimmed milk. As she made her way to the counter, she was stunned by who was there serving. It couldn’t be… it was…

It was her first love, Conaill. She always believed that their passion would last forever. She was a small-town girl back then, but Conaill left her and she had been devastated. Now, with her life in turmoil, a chance meeting was to reunite them. What did it all mean?

She approached the counter with slow, small steps not knowing what her first words to her long-lost love would be. He looked up at her from behind the counter and their eyes met. There was intensity and passion in the stare, his lips slightly opened as he went to say his first words to her after so many years…

"I'd forgotten how beautiful you were" he said with a handsome smile.

"Your eyes I've always remembered." Sandra got a warm, tingling feeling. It had been so many years since anyone had said anything so meaningful and genuine to her.

"Thank you, your words are very kind", she replied. And with that they embraced each other nervously with a hug.

"Shall we have a drink?" she asked, "I could do with one to settle my nerves" and with that he gently put his soft tanned hand on her hip and ushered her to a seat. Sandra could hardly contain this nervous but yet exciting feeling. But she knew one thing: she liked it.


Sandra glanced over to where her sister was sitting on the other side of the carriage. Glenda was ensconced in her Blackberry device, replying to work emails and making loud, giggly phone calls to her many girlfriends. She returned back to the moment when Conaill covered her hand with his and asked "Would you like a croissant with your coffee?"

Sandra thought of her new vow to slim down and declined the offer.

Conaill had of course married Sandra's then-best friend Áine a few years after her and Conal's painful breakup. She glanced at the hand covering hers and noticed he was not wearing a wedding ring. Conal noticed her gaze and said quietly "Myself and Áine decided to seperate for a few months, after I found out about her affair. That was a year ago. I think she's left me for good."

Sandra murmured her sympathies but couldn't muster a genuine tone to her voice. Butterflies jumped in her stomach as a flame of hope ignited inside her...


But as he continued to babble on about Aine and her affair a thought suddenly crept into Sandra’s head! What was she doing? Her husband, children, boss, Mr Rafferty and now this. She got a horrible churning sickly feeling in her stomach.

She knew at that moment that her life to date, was nothing short of pathetic. But full of these thoughts she was brought back down to earth with a familiar voice calling her name she looked up to discover her husband standing right in front of her...


Sandra went bright red, her stomach was churning with guilt, sure her husband could sense her disloyalty. Dave smiled easily at her and said "I rang your mobile but you missed the call so I decided to surprise you on the train! I have to come to Galway to meet a client, I didn't know until this morning". "Oh", Sandra enquired trying to calm her beating heart and sound interested, "What client, I didn't know you did business in Galway"? Dave shook his head, "Not usually I don't but a big client has come back from the Caymen Islands and asked to meet in Galway instead of Dublin. He wants both of us to join him for dinner tomorrow with his "lady friend". Be prepared, I've always got the impression he didn't mind paying for the pleasure of a woman's company..."

Sandra's head was spinning, she managed to squeak out "How strange, erm.. Have I heard of this man before"? "Not sure you have love, sure you'll meet him soon enough, Dick Rafferty is his name"...

Sandra’s mind continued to race long after the train pulled into Galway. ‘Girl, you’ve really got yourself in a jam this time’, she thought to herself. The dinner-date with Dick was sure to be dicey, but she’d just have to hope he wouldn’t bring up their past liaisons. No doubt Glenda would be wearing something trashy – maybe she could talk her into posing as Dick’s “lady-friend”. One thing was for sure, Sandra’s ‘relaxing’ break in the west, was turning into anything but...

"So, Sandra" said Mr. Rafferty from across the dinner table "You don't mind if I call you Sandra, do you?" he said with a wolfish grin that Sandra had once found attractive but now it seemed leery and threatening.
"No, of course not, Dick." she said, sarcastically, refusing to meet his eyes.
"Are you still in the escort business?"
There was s second of shocked silence. Sandra looked over at her husband Dave, whose mouth was hanging open in shock and confusion. She felt nothing for him.
Mr. Rafferty was smiling at her and looking very pleased with himself.
"You pig!" she shouted at him, but she was thankful to him, really. Now that her dark, shameful secret was out she felt suddenly free, as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She knew now that there was only one man she truly loved, and he wasn't in the room.

Sandra stood up and gripped the side of the table. Flinging her napkin into Dick’s face, she turned to Dave and said, ‘Sorry, It’s over – you’ve always been more in love with your work than with me’. Things were moving fast now. Sandra knew what she wanted. She reached into her handbag and fished out her return ticket to Dublin. Her life might look like it was going off the rails, but everything felt right on track. She had a certain someone to meet in the buffet carriage.

Sandra left in a hurry, leaving everything she knew behind her and headed for the train station. She sat waiting nervously for the train, her stomach doing flips she was so nervous. What if he wasn’t there then what would she do? Had she done the wrong thing and chosen the wrong path? The train pulled in and she boarded and felt quick sick with nerves, she headed straight for the buffet car and she couldn’t believe what she saw...

A sandwich and packet of crisps for only €2! She thought that was very cheap considering Iaranroid Eireann are usually robbery.

But as she glanced further into the buffet carriage it wasn’t Conaill she saw but her Husband! Glenda had told Dave everything….. about Sandra's ‘moment’ with her boss, about Joes escort agency – back in the early days, about Conaill - Sandra’s first love and how Sandra was finally ready to make the final step away after years of waiting for Dave to love her properly. As Dave relayed this information to a shocked Sandra she thought that he was simply there to stop her finding her true love.

But as the train pulled away from the station Sandra looked into her husbands eyes and realised that everything she wanted she already had. It had taken both of them a long time to realise their love, but the prospects of loosing one another and the loneliness that came with that, had shocked them into realising how strong they were. So as the train headed for Dublin they knew they were starting a new journey in their lives, but this time together.

THE END

Another from Glenn:



Apparently seven people were killed in the incident, so no silly comments please. Ta.

Ray



Ray

Is this a pisstake? Any photoshop experts out there?

Glenn sent it in to us.

Family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scooba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scooba experience. His son wanted a pic of his mum and dad in all their gear so got the underwater camera on the go. When it came to taking the pic the dad realized that the son look like he was panicking as he took it and gave the "OK" hand sign to see if he was alright.

The son took the pic and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK. When they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely packing it. When the parents asked why he said "there was a shark behind you" and the dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true and that they wouldn't believe him even if he told them what it was. As soon as they got back to the hotel they put the pic onto the laptop and this is what they saw.

(Try and tell me you wouldn't have emptied your entire digestive system right at the point you saw it)



Would you have stayed to take the picture?

Ray

Apologies to Dave:

Sorry dude.

Ray



Ayayaye indeed!

Ray



Regular readers and listeners will know I'm not an egotistical, self-centred prick. No, seriously - I'm not.

However, in stark contradiction to this carefully crafted image I've managed to project of myself, I googled myself earlier this evening expecting adulation, recognition and commendation on the outstanding results we achieved this week in our (well-spun) listenership figures. And it turns out (sit down fo, folks) some people don't like me. Shock, horror!

I've catalogued some remarks below:

Without being entirely obvious about it, Jim Carroll of the Irish Times gives the impression he's not a fan.

But that's ok. I still like his blog.

Ronan adds comment to this:


Er, I'm from Mayo.

But that's ok.

I'd be here all night copying and pasting the "luv" from boards.ie, so I'll skip on the the Galway student forum:



I couldn't ask for better. The fact is: if I wasn't doing this job, I'd be calling me a jerk. But I'd hope I'd still be listening too.

We'll be back on air, name-calling, pausing, filling time, patting ourselves on the back, bitching, moaning, roll-calling, slagging, messing, dissing, and having just a bit of you-know-what-for-your-you-know-what from from midday tomorrow.

Ray

PS cheers, KC. Leg-End/bollix.

Michelle Ryan's a hottie:

She's the new bionic woman.

Sweet. Jesus.

Ray



Ray

The big show meets the big band:

Later in the night:

Our winners, Sinead and Mary:

Ray

The saga continues:

"I'd forgotten how beautiful you were" he said with a handsome smile.

"Your eyes I've always remembered." Sandra got a warm, tingling feeling. It had been so many years since anyone had said anything so meaningful and genuine to her.

"Thank you, your words are very kind", she replied. And with that they embraced each other nervously with a hug.

"Shall we have a drink?" she asked, "I could do with one to settle my nerves" and with that he gently put his soft tanned hand on her hip and ushered her to a seat. Sandra could hardly contain this nervous but yet exciting feeling. But she knew one thing: she liked it.


Sandra glanced over to where her sister was sitting on the other side of the carriage. Glenda was ensconced in her Blackberry device, replying to work emails and making loud, giggly phone calls to her many girlfriends. She returned back to the moment when Conaill covered her hand with his and asked "Would you like a croissant with your coffee?"

Sandra thought of her new vow to slim down and declined the offer.

Conaill had of course married Sandra's then-best friend Áine a few years after her and Conal's painful breakup. She glanced at the hand covering hers and noticed he was not wearing a wedding ring. Conal noticed her gaze and said quietly "Myself and Áine decided to seperate for a few months, after I found out about her affair. That was a year ago. I think she's left me for good."

Sandra murmured her sympathies but couldn't muster a genuine tone to her voice. Butterflies jumped in her stomach as a flame of hope ignited inside her...


But as he continued to babble on about Aine and her affair a thought suddenly crept into Sandra’s head! What was she doing? Her husband, children, boss, Mr Rafferty and now this. She got a horrible churning sickly feeling in her stomach.

She knew at that moment that her life to date, was nothing short of pathetic. But full of these thoughts she was brought back down to earth with a familiar voice calling her name she looked up to discover her husband standing right in front of her...


Sandra went bright red, her stomach was churning with guilt, sure her husband could sense her disloyalty. Dave smiled easily at her and said "I rang your mobile but you missed the call so I decided to surprise you on the train! I have to come to Galway to meet a client, I didn't know until this morning". "Oh", Sandra enquired trying to calm her beating heart and sound interested, "What client, I didn't know you did business in Galway"? Dave shook his head, "Not usually I don't but a big client has come back from the Caymen Islands and asked to meet in Galway instead of Dublin. He wants both of us to join him for dinner tomorrow with his "lady friend". Be prepared, I've always got the impression he didn't mind paying for the pleasure of a woman's company..."

Sandra's head was spinning, she managed to squeak out "How strange, erm.. Have I heard of this man before"? "Not sure you have love, sure you'll meet him soon enough, Dick Rafferty is his name"...

Sandra’s mind continued to race long after the train pulled into Galway. ‘Girl, you’ve really got yourself in a jam this time’, she thought to herself. The dinner-date with Dick was sure to be dicey, but she’d just have to hope he wouldn’t bring up their past liaisons. No doubt Glenda would be wearing something trashy – maybe she could talk her into posing as Dick’s “lady-friend”. One thing was for sure, Sandra’s ‘relaxing’ break in the west, was turning into anything but……..

email us and let us know what happens next...


Ray


Fair play to Darren for sticking this together:



Ray



Ray


Posted by Picasa

Click here to rate my ass...

Give it a few minutes - it's only just up. The page, I mean!

Sexy


Ray

fake...

This pair were on X Factor on Saturday:

They call themselves Same Difference and are a brother and sister act. Act is the proper word, because they are a PAIR OF ACTORS!

Why?

  1. They can't sing.
  2. She was off her face.
  3. She's supposed to be 18?
  4. Their pre-audition interview was pure pantomime.
Mark my words: there'll be a massive media storm generated by X Factor press people reavealing the horrible truth about this pair in the next couple of months.

For more, watch the video:



Ray

I may as well put this online too:



Ray

We never kept the emails from last week, so I had to go back and listen to the old shows and type in each update. Balls - I've been sitting here an hour listening to this crap.

But I can't wait to see what happens next:

It was the 2nd of August, and despite coming off the back of the wettest July in ages, Sandra was going through her own personal dry spell - professionally, romantically and domestically. She needed a change, and that's when she decided to...

take up her sister's offer of a week in a spa in the west. The children would love a week with their grandparents. And her husband would hardly notice she had left. She would have to work on her boss though...

but then again, that might not be so difficult - last year's Christmas party encounter came fleetingly to Sandra's mind, the brief rememberance lasting longer than the dalliance itself. Of course, there had been awkward moments since then, but overall she felt they shared a certain understanding...

...Sometimes when she looked at the children a wave of guilt washed through her and she wished she hadn’t shared those last few glasses of wine with him Apart from guilt, often she got a flush of worry when she looked at her youngest son who, in certain moods, looked remarkably like her boss...

… Her son was a particularly beautiful child. He had straight jet black hair and sallow, almost coffee-coloured skin. Her boss was half Filipino; his mother, originally from Manilla had met his father in London in the ‘swinging 60’s’. Her husband on the other hand came from a long line of big-boned redheads from north Mayo; exotic and good-looking in their own unique way, but very different to her son’s striking good looks. This had always attracted compliments as opposed to any curiosity; “isn’t he blessed with good looks”…”he’ll be a heartbreaker that one”…people would often comment. Sandra’s mind drifted back to thoughts of a relaxing break on the west coast…

A knock on the door made her come to her sense. Glenda, her younger sisterglided in leaving a waft of Chanel Chance following he. Sandra eyed her up enviously: Glenda was well groomed and radiant from her shiny, lustrous hair to her expertly pedicured toes. Her sister would never be seen in public looking anything but her best and ate only cold meat, salad, and smoothies. Sandra pulled her jumper over her hips and vowed that once she’d finished the chocolate éclair that she had in the fridge, she would be on a strict diet until Christmas.

The hardship of watching what she ate made the thought of her break at the health spa all the more sweet. She went upstairs and tossed some necessities into a suitcase: a comfortable tracksuit and a little black dress – why not? You never know who you might meet. But her daydreaming was cut short by the ringing of her mobile: a number flashed up that she hadn’t seen in a long time.

“Hello?” she answered the phone tentatively.
“Hi, is this Sandra?” a deep voice asked. Sandra went cold and clutched the phone even tighter. She allowed her mind drift back to what felt like another lifetime, when, single and completely broke, she’d signed up in desperation to an escort agency.
“H-hi” Sandra stuttered.
“Sandra, it’s Joe here, from Joe’s escort agency. Sorry to have to call you out of the blue like this but we’ve gotten a call from one of your old regulars, Mr Rafferty. He’s moved back to Ireland from the Caymens and has requested your… services again.”
Sandra was just about to protest that she was a happily married mother of three when the image of the rugged, silver-haired Mr Rafferty floated into her consciousness.
“Sorry”, she said “I’m going to Galway for the weekend.”
“No problem” replied Joe, “Mr Rafferty would be more than happy to meet you there.”
Sandra hesitated, then quickly agreed before she could change her mind.

As Sandra replaced the receiver of the phone, a rush of excitement swept through her. It was a feeling that was strange, exciting, yet oddly familiar. She knew that she should have said no, that it was wrong – she knew that she shouldn’t have been excited but this was what she had waited for: a chance at happiness, if only for a brief period (normally two-and-a-half minutes with this cat). She told herself over and over reassuringly “It’s just a bit of fun for the weekend, nothing too serious”, although deep down she knew that a long-suppressed demon had been stirred…

She was trembling with excitement: the thought of being held in Mr Rafferty’s strong, broad arms was making her tingle inside. As she boarded the 3.10pm train from Heuston to Galway her mind was completely absorbed with notions of the inevitable tangle she was about to find herself in. She took her seat in the buffet carriage and decided to get herself a café latte with skimmed milk. As she made her way to the counter, she was stunned by who was there serving. It couldn’t be… it was…

It was her first love, Conaill. She always believed that their passion would last forever. She was a small-town girl back then, but Conaill left her and she had been devastated. Now, with her life in turmoil, a chance meeting was to reunite them. What did it all mean?

She approached the counter with slow, small steps not knowing what her first words to her long-lost love would be. He looked up at her from behind the counter and their eyes met. There was intensity and passion in the stare, his lips slightly opened as he went to say his first words to her after so many years…

Ray

Totally forgot about this photo til I saw it just now. I took it in the airport in Frankfurt on the way back from my honeymoon.


Them crazy Germans!

Ray

...Scott Mills on BBC Radio 1!



Ray

warning...

This ain't easy to watch:



Ray

So, I've just realized I've no pictures of us with the dryballs comedians we met in Edinburgh last week - but not to worry: here are a few snaps of us acting the gobsheens.

The gang's all here!


The bois: Ray, JP and Phunky Phone Boi Alan:


The airport:


The radio station:


The taxi:


The talent (Becks 'n' Bebhs):


The lost tourists:


The best restaurant in town:


The local scumbag:


The Edinburgh gay scene:


The airport on the way back (and Louise):

Ray

och aye...

We're live in Edinburgh!

Wahey!

We're in the nicer Scottish city for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, doing the show from here on Thursday and Friday.

It's all ahead of the Bulmers International Comedy Festival, taking place in Dublin in September. We'll be talking the big and small names who are here at the moment, heading to Dublin next month.

We're on at 12 to half two - so we'll talk then.

Ray


EDIT: Got a great comment from Greg I just had to share:


big lads...

Standing up for fat lad's rights, so they don't strain themselves:



Ray

Being a 26-year-old bloke with a job is a pain in the balls most of the time: the commuting, the hours, the lack of daytime TV.

But the payback comes in the form of really cool boys toys - and this is this week's:

A pressure washer! Yeah!

Ray

the lads...





To do yourself, click here...

Ray

We're all writing a story together! Listen every day at half 12 for the latest. Here's the story so far:

It was the 2nd of August, and despite coming off the back of the wettest July in ages, Sandra was going through her own personal dry spell - professionally, romantically and domestically. She needed a change, and that's when she decided to...

take up her sister's offer of a week in a spa in the west. The children would love a week with their grandparents. And her husband would hardly notice she had left. She would have to work on her boss though...

but then again, that might not be so difficult - last year's Christmas party encounter came fleetingly to Sandra's mind, the brief rememberance lasting longer than the dalliance itself. Of course, there had been awkward moments since then, but overall she felt they shared a certain understanding...

...Sometimes when she looked at the children a wave of guilt washed through her and she wished she hadn’t shared those last few glasses of wine with him Apart from guilt, often she got a flush of worry when she looked at her youngest son who, in certain moods, looked remarkably like her boss...

… Her son was a particularly beautiful child. He had straight jet black hair and sallow, almost coffee-coloured skin. Her boss was half Filipino; his mother, originally from Manilla had met his father in London in the ‘swinging 60’s’. Her husband on the other hand came from a long line of big-boned redheads from north Mayo; exotic and good-looking in their own unique way, but very different to her son’s striking good looks. This had always attracted compliments as opposed to any curiosity; “isn’t he blessed with good looks”…”he’ll be a heartbreaker that one”…people would often comment. Sandra’s mind drifted back to thoughts of a relaxing break on the west coast…

Email us three more lines...

Ray

Is this ad racist?

Intel seem to think so.

Ray

thriller...

That chick is hot:



Class.

Ray

i like...



Can that man do anything wrong?

Ray

Just a wee update on the charts this weekend:


Ray

fwd...

SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25

1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.

5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.

6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.

7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.

8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.

9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of most of the things that are in it.

10. You start to worry about your parents' health.

11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.

13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.

14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.

15. You always have enough milk in.

16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.

17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

20. You wish you had a shed.

21. You have a shed.

22. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 4 TV channels" and "Not in my day...."

23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.

24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus,You tut at rowdy school children.

25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.

26.You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?

------

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."


Yours
sincerely,


Charles Brown
Store Manager

dall-ass...

You may not be old enough to remember Dallas, but we sure are:



That's what we've been up to this afternoon.

Ray



Ray

We're writing a short chick-lit story over the next few weeks.

Every day at half 12, we'll add three more lines to the story below. We need you to write those lines for us.

Preferably, email us. Or text us during the show on the usual number.

So, here's the story so far:

It was the 2nd of August, and despite coming off the back of the wettest July in ages, Sandra was going through her own personal dry spell - professionally, romantically and domestically. She needed a change, and that's when she decided to...

take up her sister's offer of a week in a spa in the west. The children would love a week with their grandparents. And her husband would hardly notice she had left. She would have to work on her boss though...


What happens next? It's up to you!

Ray

Due to the fact we're on daytime, we don't have the scope or the permission to tell you EVERYTHING we get up to during the time we're not in work or not on the radio.

But the blog is different. We can tell you all the sordid details here. But I must warn you: what you are about to read will both disgust and delight you.

To further dissociate myself, see the disclaimer to your right --->

Anyhoo, we (as in, the wee lad and I) were at a music showcase for a guy by the name of Jamie Scott at the Sugar Club in Dublin last night. Free drinks, laughs, good times had by all.

Now, JP and I both suffer from a socially embarassing disorder known as "saying the absolutely inappropriate thing while tipsy" syndrome. That basically means: we say something after a few beers that we wake up the next morning and say "oh Jesus, why the hell did I say that? I'm such a gimp".

Well, last night's subject was the lovely, funny, and gorgeous Becky Dillon, who deals with the pair of us more on a work/so-called-professional level than a one-of-our-mates-who'll-get-the-joke level. Which makes it all the more embarrasing/entertaining.

We were finishing up the night, and a few of the group were heading on to a pub, while JP was heading home. Becky sez: "Ah lads, come on for one."

To which JP replies - and I COULDN'T make this up: "I will if you shift me cock."

Gasps ensued from both the male and female members of the party, and then the laughs.

The phrase has already entered the comedy hall of fame in our office, so if you're texting in over the next few days (and JP reads all the texts) or if you call and JP asks you to stay on hold for a few seconds, or if he answers and asks if you'll tell him your name, be sure to reply:

"I will if you shift me cock."

Ray


PS - Becky thankfully has a sense of humour. And she didn't you-know-what.



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pinch...

This lady is a professional:



Could I be as professional as that on the radio?

Find out on today's show!

Ray