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Funky Phone Boi Al and I have been working on our list of

"FaceBook groups I'm gonna set up but are probably set up already":

- I have my email set to auto-delete any emails from FaceBook.

- No, I don't want to be your friend. I don't know you. Ignore.

- Accept friend request? Three friends in common. Ruth Scott, Brez and KC. Because those bastards accept everyone. Ignore.

- When I ignore people, can they tell? Because I just don't like you but I'm too polite for you to know that.

- I have used Doppelganger week to take the complete piss out of everyone I know. Especially Tracy.

- I love it when the slagging gets out of hand. Especially with Tracy.

- Shit. I don't remember accepting a friend request from that prick.

- Shit. I don't remember accepting a friend request from that bitch.

- Am I able to delete people from my friends list without them noticing?

- I hit publish. Read back over it and think "shit, my boss is on my Facebook list"... think about it and decide "nah, he'll be cool with that" leave it up, but worry about it a bit for the rest of the day.

- From Bebo: Quiz - How well do you know me? Not at all.

- I think Facebook groups are to give lazy journalists something to write about.

- I'm on the toilet reading this on my iPhone. That's what I think of my friends.

- If I'm updating my status, it means I'm using my iPhone. If I am using my iPhone and have the time to be on Facebook, I'm probably on the toilet. So my status should REALLY read "Having a Shit" or "About to wipe".

- I think people who tag photos have too much time on their hands.

- If I'm invited to your event and say maybe, I really mean no.

- There's always that one guy, isn't there? Right on the friend/not a friend borderline. I wish that guy would just shut the fuck up about my status.

- I don't like looking at photos of my friends on the piss with their other friends. They look like they have a much better time with them than they do with me.

- That chick from school/college/my old job is not as hot as I remember. And she's married with kids.

- That chick from school that you knocked back? It turns out she's hot now, and banging the nerdy little shit shit from PE class who's got his own Pharmacy now.

- I see that all of my friends were on the piss together last night. Without me.

- I'm only on Facebook because other people tell me I should be.

- I'm secretly too old for Facebook.

- I'm only on here so I can check if the girl I scored last night was as good looking as I told all my friends she was.

- I'm only on Facebook to make sure any that girl I shagged last night doesn't know any of my friends, so they can't see that she wasn't as hot as I say she was.

- Isn't Facebook just Bebo really?

- Perving on people on Facebook is ok. Doing it on Bebo could get you arrested.

- Gráinne Seoige makes even a dog look sexy.

- Why is it always the people I don't really know that comment on my pictures?

- I'm only on Facebook to cynically promote my radio show/gigs/band/job/events. Tick where appropriate.

- Stop telling/showing me that you love your boy/girl friend. You'll look like a dickhead when you eventually break up.

- "Facebook is an effective, efficient marketing tool".

- I love seeing bitchy comments about people I don't like written by other people.

- Products/Services/Businesses/Bands are not individuals that can be my friends... Stop creating profiles for your latest pipedream.

- Bands: Facebook will not get you spotted. So fuck off back to MySpace.

- Actually bands: MySpace will not get you spotted either. It's not 2004 anymore and the novelty has worn off. What, you think you just need to get your tracks out there on Napster, maybe get it on the soundtrack to an episode of The O.C. or maybe Dawson's Creek and then you'll be sewn up? Fuck off back to your Ma's Garage.

- I love seeing twenty employees replying to a boss/manager's status update. eg "Thinking of going for a shit". Replies: "Great idea, asskiss, lol" x20. You know who you are, and yes, if you're wondering if it's you - it's definitely you.

- I want a "Don't Like" button on Facebook.

- I already know what day it is and how you don't like Mondays and love Thursdays and Fridays, are hungover on Saturdays and thinking about work tomorrow on Sundays.

- If there are two girls in a girl's profile pic, it's always the profile of the least attractive of the two.

- I have a professional headshot in my profile pic because I'm an ugly bastard.

- I have a black & white photo in my profile pic because I'm an ugly bastard.

- Stop posting youtube videos of Jeff Buckley singing Hallelujah in some shitty night club in New York. We all know its a good song, but it was a good song 15 years ago.

- Stop posting your thoughts on the latest performances on the X-Factor. Danni, Cheryl and Simon are competent professionals piad to do the job for you.

- Yes, I can believe what Cheryl is wearing tonight. See? It's on the telly... See? She's wearing it... See?

- Your holiday photos - unless I was there, or someone is getting naked, I don't care. And you look sunburned in all your pics.

- I don't rely on your Facebook status updates to keep me abreast of world news and current affairs. Well done. You can watch/read/listen to the news, and have an average ability to type from memory. If you copied and pasted, then you ARE an idiot.

- If there are ten people available to chat right now in the bottom right corner and you don't want to chat with any of them - are they really your friends?

- You send me a chat "Hi Ray!" then "this person is offline" appears. It's because I have a faulty internet connection.

- Stop posting about what's on the Late Late Show. If I felt I wanted to watch the Late Late Show on a Friday night, I'd be dead already. Same goes for Jonathan Ross.

- So you got your picture taken with a famous person? You reckon they have that photo as their profile pic too?

- If Facebook is suggesting I add someone with whom I have 28 mutual friends, there's probably a reason we haven't added each other by now.

- I do not add people from primary school I haven't seen in years.

- I do not add people from secondary school I haven't seen in years. Why? Jeez, I dunno.

- 14 people like this. They need to get out more.

- I was one of the people who said that Facebook would never take off.

- Just because you're my biological father and you're still married to my mother doesn't mean I'm adding you on Facebook. Ignore.

- Family link? What kind of a family needs Facebook to keep them together? You people need help.

- Auto-feeding your Twitter stream to Facebook is disrespectful to your friends and an insult to the whole social networking process.

- If I see that a friend of mine has found a sheep and some eggs in Farmville I think they're a sad fuck, no matter how much I like them.

- If I see that a friend of mine has found a sheep and some eggs in Farmville and it's during working hours I think they're a lazy sad fuck, no matter how much I like them.

- I think Mafia Wars is a bit cooler than Farmville. But you're still a sad lazy fuck.

- The only thing I have in common with you is that we grew up in the same town/neighbourhood ten years ago? That's all? I mean, we didn't even speak? Ignore.

- I don't want to know about your weight loss. You were fat and now you're less fat. Good for you.

- I don't want to know about your hangover. I'm probably hungover too.

- I don't want to know about your shitty job. If you hate your own job that much how do you think I feel reading about it?

- I don't want to know about your charity run. You are not a better person than me.

- Sunday morning status updates of "I have the fear" will only attract your friends BACK to your profile to see the photos of you locko from last night, when your "friends" eventually put them up.

- If Facebook has to tell me to get back in contact with you we're probably not really friends. Our relationship has corroded to such an extent that a crawling robot algorithm is trying to keep it alive. No thanks. Ignore.

- I know some asshole is watching me on Facebook while I'm in work. And I don't give a fuck.

- I talk to Facebook out loud. eg Picture of someone's uncle, shitfaced at wedding. Comment. "Fuck off". Like. "Nope".

Ray (& Alan)


  1. MikeFlah said...
    Mike Flah likes this.
    Gavin said...
    Fuck! U really are an angry person behind it all. Very funny and true though.
    Brian said...
    "Gráinne Seoige even makes a dog look sexy"

    Are you calling Gráinne ugly?
    cyril_macken said...
    Check out this facebook page or group, or whatever it is:
    Ray said...
    Updated the post to show Gráinne and the dog.
    Brian said...
    Sound. Cheers.

    I'd join that group.
    MikeFlah said...
    Haha excellent!

    Very close resemblance to Cousin Balki there Ray. Who's JP's doppelganger, Charlie from Lost? Jack Bauer? Barney Rubble?

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